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It didn’t happen overnight. But James McClintock started noticing changes. His wife stopped wearing her wedding ring. She stopped talking to him. Then he received the divorce papers. Their five-year marriage was over.

“There was no second chance, no talking about it. She just shut down,” recalled McClintock, 33, a member of Strong Tower Bible Church in Franklin, Tenn. “It … ripped my heart out. I loved my wife more than I loved anything in my life. She was my best friend. We did Bible studies. We were going to start a family. It went from that to the light switch going off. Then my entire vision vanished.”

McClintock is not alone. Recent studies by the Barna Research Group reveal that 27 percent of born-again Christians have been divorced. That compares with 24 percent of adults who are not born-again.

Those statistics are sending Christian leaders scrambling for answers. Why are Christians, who believe marriage is sacred to God, divorcing at a higher rate than those who don’t?   

Great expectations

Some observers blame Christian idealism for giving couples unrealistic expectations of marriage. Others say divorce among Christians has little to do with faith at all.

David Popenoe, co-director of the National Marriage Project of Rutgers University in New Brunswick, N.J., says the answer to that question has little to do with religion and more to do with education level and age at marriage.

“Born-again Christians have a somewhat lower level of education than the population as a whole, and this educational level is very highly associated with divorce -- the higher the education level, the lower the divorce rate,” Popenoe says. “One reason is that people with a higher education level don’t marry as young. And the age at marriage is extremely sensitive to the question of divorce -- the younger you are when you marry, the higher the divorce rate.”

Others suggest that cohabitation, more prevalent among non-Christians, keeps some bad marriages from ever happening and skews the divorce rates. Since Christians are less likely to live together without marriage, their weak marriages become divorces, while cohabitors who split up don’t show up in the statistics.

Counselor Pat Compton of Springfield, Mo., sees other forces at work -- such as human nature. “Christians ought to have this deeper understanding of what it means to take our vows. But on the other hand, we’re still quite human,” says Compton, an Episcopalian.

DivorceCare president Steve Grissom acknowledged that some of the most common reasons for Christian divorces are the same as those for non-Christians. “Some of the top rationalizations are: ‘Our kids would be better off if they weren’t exposed to this fighting all the time.’ ‘We just don’t love each other any more.’ ‘I need to leave the marriage to find myself, realize my potential.’ Or ‘we’ve grown in different ways,” says Grissom of Raleigh, N.C.

Counselor Ron Kemp agreed with Grissom and added that Christian marriages may fail more because the spouses’ expectations of marriage were higher than those of non-Christians.

“People in the church tend to idealize things,” says Kemp, a member of First Baptist Church, Bolivar, Mo. “Husbands are supposed to love their wives as Christ loved the church, and when wives find out a Christian husband can be just as much of a jerk as anybody else, they get disappointed. The same is true for men. They tend to idealize this Christian woman who is supposed to be loving and supportive, and they find out she can be just as critical as anybody.”

But consultant Jim Talley says the reason for a higher divorce rate among Christians is simple. “The divorce rate is high because people are committing adultery, and the people in the church are committing adultery at a higher rate than outside the church,” says Talley, president of Oklahoma City-based Relationship Resources and the web site www.drtalley.com.

Ounce of prevention

Barna’s study isn’t the only one showing a high number of Christian divorces. According to federal census numbers, the so-called Bible Belt states have the highest divorce rates in the nation. Except for Nevada, where fast divorces are traditionally easy to get, Arkansas, Alabama, Oklahoma and Tennessee lead the nation in divorces.

Anthony Jordan, executive director of the Baptist General Convention of Oklahoma agreed with Popenoe that the age at marriage plays an important role in divorce.

“Getting married younger tends to put people of immaturity in a place where they are not ready to tackle the pressures marriage brings,” Jordan says.

Clergy and state government leaders in Oklahoma are trying to curb the state’s high divorce rate. Jordan and other faith leaders, along with the governor, recently signed a community marriage policy. The policy prevents a clergy member from marrying a couple that has not undergone premarital counseling.

“Since 75 percent of marriages are done in places of worship, our state initiative decided that if we’re going to impact marriage, we’ve got to do it through the faith community,” Jordan says. “The state realizes the social impact of divorce and the millions of dollars it takes to put Band-Aids on social ills.”

“In our desire to be inclusive to reaching out to people in the hurt of divorce, sometimes the message gets mixed. The strong message of sanctity of marriage, that God hates divorce, gets watered down in our attempt to reach those that are in the pain of divorce.”

From the other side

Two years after her divorce, it still pains Sheila Graham, 44, of Waco, Texas, to hear her ex-husband’s voice on her answering machine. Graham, married 23 years and the mother of two grown sons, says the devastation of her husband’s affair and divorce hit her so hard that she attempted suicide twice.

“The only thing that stopped me was that I didn’t want to add pain to my boys,” she recalled. “After being through this, I now understand that suicide is not a matter of distorted thinking. It’s a matter of ‘I don’t want to feel anymore’ -- anything -- because all you feel is the pain.”

Suicide and other forms of destructive behavior are what divorce recovery groups aim to prevent. DivorceCare president Steve Grissom, who went through a divorce in 1987, says there are common characteristics between people who suffer divorce and those who suffer the death of a spouse.

“There is a deep, scarring loss in both cases, loneliness, depression, anger -- sometimes at God -- and a period where you try to rediscover who you are,” he says.

Howard Finley, 40, a member of St. Ignatius Orthodox Christian Church in Franklin, Tenn., was a recovery-group participant.

“Before my divorce, I viewed divorce as something that was characterized as both a moral and spiritual failure,” says Finley, a former pastor whose wife divorced him to pursue another relationship. “Divorce was something that happened to other people, weaker people, not me. I viewed divorce as very stigmatizing and damaging to one’s reputation and influence, especially if he was a Christian.”

Now he views divorce as only someone who has been through it can. “Divorce is an emotional car wreck that required spiritual intensive care and spiritual hospitalization,” Finley says. “For about two years, I was in that condition. Through God’s work, my family and DivorceCare, I feel that I am out of the hospital, but I’m still walking with a walker and in need of spiritual therapy.”

Turning a corner

The experts say to allow up to five years to heal from divorce. Grissom says that’s because of the emotional carnage left in divorce’s wake. “It’s the ripping of one flesh.”

But time doesn’t heal divorce’s wounds -- Christ does, Steve McClintock says. “I felt like I was in the desert such a long time, but I had to wait on God’s time.” McClintock’s divorce was finalized in March after more than a year of legal proceedings.

“Time is a journey God uses,” he concluded. “If I didn’t have Christ, I could not heal completely.”

Though the divorce rate has remained high for the past 40 years, it seems to be slightly decreasing since it’s peak in the mid-1980s, Popenoe says. “Some reasons for the decline are people are better educated now and marry later, but the fact is, the marriage rate is dropping and more and more people are just living together.”

He cited a recent study, though, that may shed some hope on American marriages. “It showed that maybe people are just really working harder at staying married.”

Separation

The beginning of the end?

Does separation always lead to divorce? It doesn’t have to, says author Gary Chapman, one of a growing number of people trying to help separated couples reconcile.

“Separation may be the valley of restoration, and the pain you feel may be the labor pains that will give rebirth to your marriage,” Chapman writes in Hope for the Separated.

Pat Compton, a counselor in Springfield, Mo., says that as soon as one spouse starts thinking about separation or divorce, it’s time to take preventive measures.

“Instead of thinking separation or divorce is the only alternative, they need to know that there are lot of people available who want to support couples spiritually and in every other way…. Everybody has conflict and rough times in their marriages, but that doesn’t mean it has to end.”

That support can come from pastors, counselors, family members and friends. “When people are hurting really bad, it’s hard for them to see anything but the hurt,” Compton says. “That’s when it’s vital to reach out and get assistance.”

Compton encouraged couples not to be embarrassed to share their marital troubles with their church families. “We think we need to look good. But the truth is, we as a Christian community need to make it safe for people to be honest about marital problems, so they can get support right away instead of waiting too long.”

Chapman outlines in his book several steps a separated couple can take toward reconciliation. They include avoiding another romantic relationship, realizing divorce will not lead to personal happiness and understanding marital difficulty is caused by the marriage partners, not by someone outside the marriage.

Reconciliation is possible, he says, even if only one spouse is committed to it. He outlines some personal-growth assignments in his book that include seeking individual counseling, praying for ways to express love to the spouse, and committing to walking with God no matter what the spouse does.

Living together makes sense…

and that's what is scary about it.

Over half of all first marriages today are preceded by cohabitation. Yet couples that live together first are 46% more likely to divorce.

By Larry Parsley

Living together makes sense. It respects the rights of people to express themselves sexually without the unwieldy entanglements of marriage. It honors the sanctity of marriage by not entering into it lightly. It capitalizes on a guarantee missing from most marriage vows -- "If you don't like it, you can bring it back."  It can even make good economic sense, preventing couples in love from making two rent payments.

Demographers tell us that the number of adults who find cohabitation to be a sensible alternative to marriage has increased exponentially over the last 4 decades. In 1998, the U.S. Census Bureau reported over 4.2 million cohabiting couples, up from 2.8 million in 1990 and 439,000 in 1960. One fourth of unmarried women in this country between the ages of 25 and 39 are currently living with a partner, and half of all unmarried women have at one time lived with an unmarried partner.

What's more, over half of all first marriages today are preceded by cohabitation.

Living together makes sense. And, as a pastor, that's what scares me most about it. Because as I look at what I believe, I have to acknowledge it does not make the same kind of sense.

* Is it sensible that the near universal desire for sexual intimacy can be satisfied in only one kind of social arrangement -- one man and one woman bound together in the exclusive, life-long covenant of marriage?

* Is it sensible to believe that two young adults making audacious vows in a church should be held to those reckless promises for the next 50 years?

* Is it sensible to believe that, in our free and overly stimulated society, celibacy is healthy? Humane? Possible?

Lauren Winner suggests that evangelical Christians have no compelling rejoinder to the logic of cohabitation. In an essay posted on www.beliefnet.com, Winner notes that "sex is a big deal that evangelicals aren't willing to talk about, except to remind us that True Love Waits. This slogan might work when you're 15. Ten years later, catch phrases don't really do the trick." She comments that "we Christians spill plenty of ink moralizing about sex, but we seem unwilling to talk about it in any honest or theologically engaged way."

Winner’s point is well taken. So here’s my brief attempt at honest moral/theological engagement on the topic:

1. The logic of cohabitation is being contradicted by statistical evidence.

Couples considering cohabitation need to know that the traditional position of the church against cohabitation is being buttressed by alarming statistics from sociologists. According to a report released by the National Marriage Project (a nonpartisan group based at Rutgers University), authors David Popenoe and Barbara Dafoe Whitehead note that “a careful review of the available social science evidence suggests that living together is not a good way to prepare for marriage or avoid divorce.” They cite a 1992 study of 3,300 adults that found cohabitors are 46% more likely to divorce than noncohabitors.

Cohabitation also increases the risk of domestic violence for women and physical and sexual abuse for children. And in a report based on data from the 1987-1988 National Survey of Families and Households, sociologist Susan Brown has concluded that long-term cohabitors are more likely to become depressed and less satisfied with their lives than their married peers.

2. The biblical notion of “covenant” trumps our culture’s attachment to “free agency.”

Cohabitation seems to fit the mood of the day. The magazine Fast Company recently dubbed America "Free Agent Nation," based on the growing percentage of self-employed people in today’s workforce. But “free agency” fits our current relational climate just as well. Our culture tends to favor keeping our options open over long-term commitment.

One could say that a healthy marriage balances good discernment on the front end and strong commitment on the back end. Cohabitation seeks to delay commitment until discernment "proves" we have found the right match. But one could argue that the life-long covenant, described in Genesis 2:24 as becoming “one flesh,” counts for much more.

In Community of Character, Stanley Hauerwas states the case for covenant in his characteristically provocative fashion: "We always marry the wrong person. We never know whom we marry; we just think we do. Or even if we first marry the right person, just give it a while and he or she will change.... The primary problem morally is learning how to love and care for this stranger to whom you find yourself married."

3. The language of suffering is largely absent our anesthetized society.

To be sure, “true love waits” offers little comfort to adults with no imminent prospect of marriage. Perhaps a better slogan is “Discipleship Hurts.” Salvation is free, but discipleship is costly. It recognizes a calling higher than self-fulfillment, and fidelity to that calling often requires pain.

But such pain serves a useful purpose. Single adults who refuse to indulge in the perks of marriage without signing up for its responsibilities demonstrate the kind of heroic self-denial that Jesus deemed essential to becoming an authentic disciple (Mark 8:34).

"In Jesus' encounter with the woman caught in adultery (John 8), he masterfully balances loving acceptance ("neither do I condemn you") with high moral expectations ("go now and leave your life of sin"). Christians can also find middle ground between unloving condemnation and tacit approval. We can speak and teach honestly about sex and marriage while at the same time extending compassion to unmarried couples. When we drop the stones of condemnation, our hands are free to support one another in living out our faithfulness to God.

The church can find middle ground between unloving condemnation and tacit approval. In Jesus’ encounter with the woman caught in adultery (John 8), he masterfully balances loving acceptance (“neither do I condemn you”) with high moral expectations (“go now and leave your life of sin”).  When Christians drop the stones of condemnation, our hands are free to support one another in living out our faithfulness to God.

- Larry Parsley is pastor of Valley Ranch Baptist Church in Irving, Texas.

Resources : 

Growing Through Divorce, Jim Smoke, Harvest House, Eugene, Ore., 1995.Rebuilding When Your Relationship Ends, Bruce Fisher, Impact Publishers, San Luis Obispo, Calif., 1998.

DivorceCare, 800.489.7778, www.divorcecare.org

Covenant Marriage, 800.268.1343

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